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Meaning in Mitzvot -
Lesson 67

Marriage and Children

21.09.2014
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Getting married and having children are supreme values in Judaism.  Each value is immensely important in itself, and each is intimately connected to the other.  Both foundations were laid at the dawn of creation, when Hashem decided that "it is not good for man to be alone" (Bereishit 2:18), and commanded Adam and Chava, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it"  (Bereishit 1:28.)

 

THE MITZVA TO HAVE CHILDREN

 

Not only man, but the animals too were blessed with the mandate to "Be fruitful and multiply."  The Torah is a Torah of life, and the multiplicity of living beings is the proper background for the creation of sanctity.  For this reason it is forbidden to spay animals, depriving them of the ability to breed (EHE 6.)

 

The mandate to populate the earth applies to humans as well, and Scripture tells us, "Not for desolation did He create it; rather, for settlement did He form it" (Yishayahu 45:18.) But for mankind, created in the image of the Creator, this mitzva has an additional dimension. 

 

The Torah tells us that man is created in the image of God.  This is not only a general statement, but rather applies to each individual human being.  Our Sages say that originally Hashem created only one person, Adam, in order to teach us that sustaining a single human life is considered like sustaining the entire world, while destroying one life is tantamount to destroying a world (Sanhedrin 37a.)

 

If each human being expresses God's image, why is there a need for an entire race of men? The answer is that each person can only reflect and express a tiny portion of Hashem's glory – a tiny portion of that part of Hashem's glory we are even capable of apprehending.  Each living person augments our perception of Hashem's greatness; each one is like a tiny window through which we can obtain a glimpse of Godliness.

 

Viewed this way, the mandate to have children parallels the prohibition on killing.  The generation of Noach was commanded, "He who spills the blood of man, by man will his blood be spilled; for in God's image He created man" (Bereishit 9:6.)  The identical concern for multiplying God's image urges us to have many children, and indeed the very next verse tells us, "And you, be fruitful and multiply, swarm on the earth and multiply there" (Yevamot 63b.)

 

The final redemption, which is the ultimate revelation of Hashem's greatness, is thus advanced by each additional holy soul which appears in this world, and so our Sages tell us, "The son of David [the Mashiach] will not come until all the souls are completed in a body" (Yevamot 63b.)

 

QUANTITY AND QUALITY

 

Of course, the number of souls in the world is not the only determinant of God's revelation.  Each of us has the responsibility to cultivate our soul so that it radiates holiness to the greatest extent possible.  Chasidic tradition explains that the very righteous are "general souls," spirits of great scope that comprehend the holiness of the "private" souls of scores and even a myriad of men (Maamrei Admor HaEmtzai 66.)

 

Of course, the ideal situation is when we make these righteous people our spiritual leaders.  Then the followers find empathy in the kindred souls of the righteous, creating a resonance, which also draws their souls to holiness.  Each Chassid has his own Rebbe, his own spiritual master, who has an affinity for his private spirit.  Moshe had a soul of such immense scope that he encompassed the private souls of the entire Jewish people, and he is our Rebbe for all generations, which is why we call him "Moshe Rabbenu" - our master, Moshe.

 

Even so, the Rebbe is dependent on the disciple just as the disciple is dependent on the Rebbe.  The soul of the tzaddik only finds expression for its scope when it actually comes into contact with the kindred souls of appropriate followers.  So having a few righteous people is not enough; there is still a need for a great multiplicity of souls in the world.

 

MARRIAGE

 

Our tradition is adamant that man only achieves perfection and completion through marriage.  The Torah tells us, "Male and female he created them, and He called their name "man"" (Bereishit 5:2.) From this we learn that the appellation "man" only fully applies when male and female are together  (Yevamot 63a.)

 

Jewish sources record a tradition, found in other cultures as well, that man and woman were originally created as a single being.  The "formation" of Eve from Adam's side was in effect a separation of the two halves.  Each man and woman retains a lingering consciousness of this original unity, which they long to restore through marriage (Rashi on Bereishit 1:27.)

 

Our Sages greatly emphasized the essential incompleteness of the unmarried state - especially for a man. 

 

"A man who has no wife lives without joy, without blessing, without good.  In the land of Israel they say, without Torah, and without a wall. Rava bar Ulla says, also without peace.  Rebbe Elazar says: one without a wife is not called "man"" (Yevamot 62b-63a.)

 

A woman, on the other hand, is not portrayed as essentially incomplete without a man.  However, our Sages did consider it normal for a woman to desire marriage and to connect her status to her married state (Yevamot 118b.)

 

TWO COMPLEMENTARY ASPECTS OF GOD'S PLAN

 

The imperfection of the unmarried state is not due to its solitude but rather to the inherent differences between man and woman.  Male and female are not merely two different sectors of the human race, like blue-eyed and brown-eyed people, but rather two distinct aspects of humanity, in fact, two distinct aspects of creation. 

 

Both man and woman are incomplete without a spouse because the masculine or feminine nature alone only expresses a particular aspect of the Divine image, and only in their unification is this image complete.  "And God created man in His image, in the image of God He created him; male and female created He them" (Bereishit 1:27.)

 

This insight consolidates the two aspects of marriage: it explains the importance of marriage even for those who can not have children, at the same time it clarifies the essential connection between marriage and children.

 

We mentioned in the first half of the chapter that every individual has an obligation to realize and cultivate his own Divine image to the greatest extent possible.  We now see that marriage is essential to fulfilling this obligation, since a single person only expresses an incomplete aspect of this image. 

 

At the same time, we learned that the greatest possible revelation of God's image is achieved by having a great number of people who reflect it.  It is only natural that God's image can be reproduced only where it is expressed - when a man and a woman are joined together in one truly complete human being.

 

(We can already begin to understand the severe censure of homosexuality in Jewish tradition; we discuss this at length in chapter 152.)

 

BIOLOGY AND DESTINY

 

The specific biological roles of man and woman in reproduction are intimately connected to the specific metaphysical aspects of Godliness that each gender is inclined towards.  While Jewish tradition may agree that biology doesn't determine our destiny, we would nonetheless assert that God matches each destiny with an appropriate biology, giving every human being a biological endowment that suits his or her mission in life.

 

A full elaboration of these metaphysical aspects would require an entire book in itself.  At the most simplistic level, the relationship between male and female is summarized in the words of the Torah, that woman was created to man as "a help corresponding to him" (Bereishit 2:18.)  Man desires to impose his will on the world, to make his mark in a specific manner, but he is helpless to do so by himself.  The meticulous planning, the attention to detail, and the determined perseverance - everything necessary to turn an abstract plan into a corresponding concrete reality - is the characteristic feminine aspect of humanity and creation. 

 

This distinction is discernible in human biology as well as in the traditional breakdown of household tasks.  In procreation, man is usually the initiator, and his contribution is essential for providing the blueprint for the new child; but his participation is instantaneous.  Woman's contribution is prolonged and continues until the complete new human being is born.  In raising the child the man traditionally provides the wherewithal and the direction, whereas the woman is charged with the all-embracing task of nurturing the child.  Building a house is generally the man's responsibility, but it is the woman whose persistent caring turns it into a home. 

 

Our prophets often likened Hashem to a husband and the people of Israel to the wife.  Hashem is the Giver of the Torah, the plan for a holy world; it is the Jewish people however who are charged with executing this plan and giving it concrete expression through carrying out the Torah's specific commandments.

 

 

RESPECT FOR THE SPOUSE

 

Jewish law and tradition demand utmost respect and sensitivity for one's spouse.  The type of respect demanded is naturally suited to the particular natures of man and woman.  A man is especially warned to show sensitivity and love to his wife, and to acknowledge her importance.  "Our Sages required a man to honor his wife more than himself, and to love her as himself" (Rambam Ishut 15:19.)  A man owes everything to his wife; without her help all of his plans will amount to nothing.

 

A woman on the other hand is encouraged to show deference to the husband.  "Our Sages likewise required a woman to greatly honor her husband, and to revere him"  (Rambam, Ishut 15:20.) In this manner her acts will be an aid to her husband, and will correspond to man's ideals.

 

This advice may not necessarily be in tune with the "man and woman are equal" ideology which has been popular for the last generation.  However the overwhelming experience of married couples throughout the world and through the generations confirms that men and women have different ways of communicating, distinct marital needs, and different expectations of marriage.  A successful marriage is one in which each spouse knows how to express affection and devotion in the language and actions that will be understood by the partner.

 

This sensitivity is an essential part of the marriage bond.  Man and woman complete their Divine image through marriage not only through the mere act of joining together into a married couple, but most especially through the hard work of learning to exist in harmony.  In a successful marriage, the man learns to understand and empathize with a more feminine view of the world, while the woman becomes familiar with the man's distinctive point of view.  In this way each spouse becomes a more complete human being, while also building the overall family unit.

 

MARITAL STABILITY

 

While divorce is permitted in Jewish law, and a wide variety of marital difficulties can be considered grounds for divorce (see e.g. Even HaEzer 77), divorce is discouraged in a first marriage, and the couple is encouraged to make every possible effort to work out their differences.  A person's first marriage is considered "beshert," made in Heaven.  "When someone divorces his first wife, the altar weeps"  (Even HaEzer 199:3.)  Our Sages praised men and women who showed exemplary devotion even to wives and husbands who were discourteous to each other (Yevamot 63a, Nedarim 15b.)

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