Fasting on the Wedding Day

 

There is an old custom, followed in all Ashkenazi communities, that both bride and groom fast on their wedding day (Rema EHE 61a.) They also say a special "vidui" or confession, and devote themselves to repentance.  The reason for these customs is that the wedding day is considered a day of forgiveness, likened to Yom Kippur. 

 

In fact, the forgiveness of this day is in some ways greater than that of Yom Kippur, since unlike the atonement of Yom Kippur, it is not solely dependent on repentance.  We know this from two sources.  The first is from Esav.  In one place the Torah calls his bride "Machlat," meaning "forgiveness" (Bereishit 28:9.) Our Sages took this as a hint that on his wedding day his sins were forgiven – even though he was not a righteous person (Yerushalmi Bikkurim 3:3.)

 

The second source is legalistic.  The Talmud tells us that if a man betroths his bride on condition that he is completely righteous, the betrothal is valid, and she becomes his wife - even if he is a completely wicked person.  The reason is we assume he has contemplated repentance in his heart (Kiddushin 49b, EHE 38:1.) Normally, contemplating repentance doesn't make a person righteous; at the very least, confession is required.  Again, we see that the unique forgiveness of bride and groom does not require full repentance.

 

The reason is easy to understand.  The essence of repentance is that a person has set aside his previous negative habits and transformed himself into a new, better person.  This is one reason a penitent often changes his name and his place of abode, as if to say that he is not the same person who sinned (Rambam Teshuva 2:4.)

 

But as we explained in the previous chapter, the marriage bond effects a total transformation in the bride and groom, turning two separate individuals into one new person, a more perfect human being with a far more complete expression of God's image.  "Male and female he created them, and He called their name "man"" (Bereishit 5:2.) From this we learn that the appellation "man" only fully applies when the male and female are together (Yevamot 63a.)

 

Even so, repentance is appropriate for the wedding day.  The character of the new creation, the married couple, obviously depends on the character of the man and woman it comprises. At the moment of their chuppa (lit. "bridal canopy," ie. the wedding ceremony) the bride and groom should strive to be as holy and as pure as possible.

 

FULLEST CONSENT

 

Another reason the commentators give for this fast is so that the couple will be sure not to drink any intoxicating drinks, which would distort their judgment (Maharam Mintz cited in Beit Shmuel 61:6.) The essence of the marriage act is da'at, the deepest and utmost consent and intellectual commitment on the part of husband and wife.  This commitment is what ties the two individuals together into a new, unified family unit.  We are careful not to compromise the rational judgment of the couple in any way.

 

MARITAL HARMONY

 

Another reason mentioned for the custom of fasting is that the wedding service, which is meant to be the pinnacle of unity for bride and groom, can ironically be a unique source of conflict - especially when financial issues are involved.  Quarrels between the families naturally leave a mark on the couple, and disturb the harmony they are so anxious to create.

 

It is important to emphasize that such a lack of harmony does not affect the act of creation taking place.  The formation of a new family unit through marriage is affected through the marriage act itself.  Even if a husband and wife don't get along, they are still a single unified family.  (Unless at some time they are both committed to separation). 

 

Even so, this new family will not be able to function and shine with holiness unless there is true peace and cooperation between its members.  The humility engendered by fasting is a beautiful way to remind the couple that their first priority as a new family is their spirituality, and the occasionally divisive monetary arrangements - important as they may be - are secondary.

 

(11) The ketuba: An essential component of the Jewish wedding is the ketuba.  At the most mundane level, the ketuba is a monetary agreement in which the husband obligates himself to support his wife financially, and provide for her should she be widowed, or in the case of divorce.  In this important document, the husband accepts a binding obligate that "I will work to honor and feed and support and provide for and clothe you, according to the custom of Jewish men who work and honor and feed and support and provide for and clothe their wives faithfully."  He also sets aside a specific amount for the wife's support should she be left alone.

 

We saw in the previous section that one aspect of marriage is that the husband protects his wife; the financial support of the husband is an essential part of this protection. 

 

The ketuba has an additional, very profound meaning.  We learned in the laws of Shabbat about the reciprocal relationship between the weekday and the Shabbat.  Ostensibly, it is the weekdays that create the material means whereby we honor the Shabbat – thus Shabbat receives from the weekdays.  However, at a deeper level it is really the Shabbat that creates the spiritual blessing that enables our weekday labors to be productive.  This is the secret of the manna that we only gather on weekdays - it is through the merit of Shabbat, the day on which it does not fall, that the manna descends from heaven (as we explained at length in chapter 77:8.)

 

This identical reciprocal relationship exists between husband and wife.  Ostensibly, it is the husband's labor that creates the material resources whereby he supports his wife, who receives from her husband.  But at a deeper level it is the wife who is the fountain of spiritual blessing which enables the husband's efforts to bear fruit.  The wife is the "Shabbat" to her husband's week of work.  Our Sages explain that "Blessing is only found in a man's house due to his wife" (Bava Metzia 59a.)  So ultimately it is the woman who protects the man, as we explained above that a man who is without a wife is "without a wall."