Normally, mourning begins at burial.  Mourning is the period when the relatives have to begin their process of adjustment and reconciliation to the new situation which exists after their loss.  More precisely, it is a period where they have to create a new relationship with their deceased relative - who is now in the World of Truth. 

 

The ideal period for creating a new relationship between the living and the deceased is at the burial, which is the time of reconciliation for both.  The living have completed their practical obligations toward the body; the body in turn has found its rest in the earth from whence it came, and where it awaits the future resurrection.

 

However, sometimes there is a discrepancy between the repose of the living, and that of the dead.  Perhaps the body is being buried in a place distant from the mourners - for instance in the Land of Israel - or perhaps Heaven forbid the body is not found or there is no permission to bury it.  In this case, the relief and tranquillity of the living is the most important consideration. 

 

As soon as the relatives are certain that they can do no more to take care of the burial, their period of mourning begins.  This happens when the body is borne to a distant place, or when the relatives despair of finding the body or receiving permission to bury it.  At this time they know that they have done all they can to bring the body to its final rest; now they must begin the stage of reconciliation and reconstruction.

 

"THE HEAD OF THE HOUSE"

 

Normally, each relative mourns for seven days, beginning on the day when he sees or learns of the burial.  However, when there is a central place of mourning then the seven-day period is unified.  A relative who comes after several days of mourning and finds the family sitting shiv'a sits with them until their mourning is completed.

 

The unification of the mourning period for the entire family is logical because the foundation of the laws of mourning is the unity of the family.  The entire reason mourning takes place is since each individual is shattered by the loss of a family member.

 

The time of the shiv'a is not only a time of unity among the living relatives, it is also a time of communion with the spirit of the departed.  During the seven days of shiv'a the spirit of the departed mourns with the family, and goes back and forth between the grave and the house (Shabbat 152b; Zohar Bereishit, I:226a.)  So not only the burial but also the shiv'a is a stage of parallelism between the living and the departed.

 

If the family members are not together in the same place with a family leader, then there is no unique central mourning location and each family member counts the mourning period from the time he learns of the burial.

 

SEVEN DAYS OF MOURNING

 

The Yerushalmi states that Moshe established the custom of seven days of rejoicing for bride and groom, and seven days of mourning (Yerushalmi Ketubot 1:1.)  A period of one full week symbolizes completeness, going through one full cycle.  This is the time it takes to become reconciled to the new reality when someone new starts or stops becoming part of our life. 

 

(In chapter 158 we learned that this is also the period of tum'a when a woman gives birth to a boy.  There also we related this period to a time of special bonding with the new family member.)

 

 

CHAPTER 205 – FIRST MEAL OF MOURNING

 

On the first day of mourning, the mourner doesn't prepare the first meal himself; others are obligated to provide food for him.  Like many other laws of mourning, this is learned from the special mitzva (commandment) given to Yechezkel not to mourn for his wife, in which God tells him, "And don't eat the bread of men" (Yechezkel 24:17, explained in Moed Katan 27b.)

 

A prominent commentator explains: "Because the mourner is worried and moaning over his relative, and doesn't take the trouble to eat, for he would like to die too.  Therefore, he is commanded to eat from what others give him, at least for the first meal" (Drisha YD 378:1.)

 

The beginning of mourning is the very beginning of the rehabilitation of the mourner.  The death of the relative undermines his identity; now he has to rebuild it.  But the mourner can't take the first step - "the prisoner can't release himself from jail" (Berakhot 5b.)  Once his neighbors feed him, starting him on the way toward rebuilding the self, he is able to help himself – though it is still praiseworthy for others to help him, as implied by the quote from the Drisha.

 

The custom of giving the mourner eggs or lentils - which "have no mouth - as the mourner has no mouth," carries a similar message.  The mourner is not conceived as having to get something out, to unload his grief, but rather as someone mute who needs to build his personality, not to analyze it.

 

FIGHTING ISOLATION

 

This custom compels the mourner's neighbors to take an interest in him, and compels the mourner himself to interact with others.  Like the obligation of others to comfort the mourner during the days of shiv'a, the custom to prepare his first meal counteracts the danger that the mourner will be isolated and lonely in his sorrow.

 

The Yerushalmi suggests a parallel between the seven days of mourning and the seven days of feasting for a newly married couple (see last chapter); there also, the halakha encourages the couple to feast with others, and not to go away by themselves on a "honeymoon."  The work of building a new self for the newlywed, like that for a mourner, is done within the framework of the community, not in isolation.