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Meaning in Mitzvot -
Lesson 95

Recent or Distant Tidings

21.09.2014
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Generally, mourning begins as soon as the mourner learns of the burial.  But if a long time - more than thirty days - has passed since the burial, then only symbolic mourning is observed.  Psychologically, it is certainly true that the impact of hearing that someone has just died is much greater than the impact of hearing that someone passed away a while ago.  What is the explanation for this psychological difference, which is reflected in the halakha?

 

Perhaps we can connect this to the theme of mourning as rehabilitation.  When we hear of the death of a relative, we wonder how we will be able to proceed without them.  We may imagine that without their presence we will find it impossible to continue our normal lives.

 

But when we learn of a death that took place some time previously, then our experience has already proven that life goes on even without this person.  Many weeks of normal life since the departure show that no reconstruction is really necessary.  Of course we do need to give expression to our feelings of grief and sorrow, but for this a symbolic show of mourning is sufficient.

 

When a parent dies then the mourning period takes an entire year.  If the news of the passing is heard within the year, then of course the customs that apply after the first month are not suspended.

 

INFORMING THE RELATIVE OF THE DEATH

 

Surprisingly, someone who knows of the death is not required to inform the relatives.  On the contrary, it is considered better to delay the news until it is as a "distant tiding" so that no mourning is necessary.  According to the explanation we have just given, we may explain that this is the most effective kind of reconciliation to the death.  If someone is afraid of a certain food, we may help him overcome his fear by feeding it to him without his knowledge and informing him afterwards.  Likewise, if someone is afraid of going ahead with his life without a certain loved one, we may help him overcome the fear by allowing him to live his life as usual without knowledge of the passing, and informing him through a distant tiding.

 

Even when the news of the passing is revealed, it is better to reveal it in a gentle way.

 

The Talmud says that someone who discloses the death too frankly is like the subject of the verse "one who spreads slander is a fool" (Mishlei 10:18 according to Pesachim 3b.)  Even if everybody knows somebody's sins, it is better not to slander him, because the mention of the problem is itself a source of sorrow, and a kind of reconciliation with the misfortune.  Likewise, even if everyone knows that someone has passed away it is better to express this in suggestive language.

 

This custom is accepted in secular society also, and it is generally considered polite to use euphemisms for a person's death.

 

 

CHAPTER 207 - CONSOLING THE BEREAVED

 

Visiting the mourner is one of the greatest acts of kindness we can do.  The mourner needs company since he feels isolated in his sorrow.  He may also need simple acts of human kindness, especially if he was dependent on the departed relative for household needs.

 

The Talmud tells us that the soul of the deceased also mourns.  It also is sorrowful over the loss of the body, which gave it a presence in this world enabling it to carry out God's commandments.  And the consolation that the visitors provide to the mourners is consolation for the soul of the dead as well (Rambam Avel 14:7.)  For this reason, if the departed has no one to mourn for him, it is a mitzva to gather even strangers to sit shiv'a for him and have others come to console them (Shabbat 152b.)

 

The best way to console someone that there is meaning in a person's death is to convince them that there was meaning in his or her life.  In this way, the mourner feels that the departed soul achieved a certain completeness or perfection in life before moving on to the next stage in the World of Truth.  This feeling is a consolation for the soul as well, reassuring it that a favorable judgment awaits it.

 

INITIATING CONVERSATION

 

After Iyov suffered the shattering loss of his family and his health, his friends came to console him.  "And they sat on the ground for seven days and seven nights, and no one said anything to him, for they saw that his sorrow was very great.  Afterwards Iyov opened his mouth..." (Iyov 2:13-3:1.)  From this we learn that the visitors should not speak until the mourner himself opens conversation (Yalkut Shim'oni.)

 

The verse is clear for this reason: the mourner's sorrow may be so great that it is beyond description and consolation in words.  In this case the best consolation is the mere reassuring presence of the mourners (See Prisha YD 393:3.)  We already learned that the mourner "has no mouth" (Chapter 205.)  When he is able to articulate his sorrow, then we can relate to its particulars.

 

Sometimes the mourner refrains from opening the conversation not because of his great sorrow but because of a feeling of awkwardness.  In this case it is often thoughtful and permissible for the visitor to begin speaking.

 

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