Honoring Parents

 

The obligation to honor our parents includes two basic aspects: honor, and reverence.  The mitzva to "honor" is the fifth commandment, "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may prolong your days on the land which God your God gives you" (Shemot 20:12).  This commandment primarily includes physical care of parents: helping them eat and dress, accompanying them, and so on.

 

The mitzva of reverence is taught later on in the Torah: "Each person shall revere his mother and his father, and you shall observe my Sabbaths; I am Hashem your God" (Vayikra 10:3).  Reverence is expressed by showing that we are not equals in relation to our parents: we may not call them by first name, never occupy their special seat, never argue with them as equals, and so on.  Of course, a child does not have to agree with everything the parent says, but disagreement must be respectful, and the child is always forbidden to contradict his father or mother in a blunt, scornful manner.

 

All of these commandments apply equally to older people just as they do to youths.  A sixty-five year old man is fully obligated to honor and revere his ninety year-old parents.

 

HONOR OF PARENTS AND HONOR OF GOD

 

Honoring our parents is a natural expression of the gratitude we feel towards them for bringing us into the world, and for the immense effort they expend raising us (if we are raised by our biological parents) (Sefer HaChinukh.)

 

The idea of gratitude is a compelling explanation for the basic obligations of honor.  Feeding, dressing, and accompanying - are these not the basic duties that parents fulfill towards their children? It is only natural that the grateful child should perform these same duties for the parents.

 

However, gratitude does not necessarily imply reverence.  And our Sages gave this mitzva an immense importance, which seems beyond the ambit of ordinary gratitude.  They tell us that the honor of parents "is compared to the honor of the Creator"  (Kiddushin 30b.)  Another source suggests that their honor is even greater than that of the Creator! (Yerushalmi Peah 1:1.)  How can our parents be likened to God?

 

One parallel between parents and God is evident: just as our parents brought us into the world, so God is our Creator.  We might think that these aspects of our formation are on completely different levels - while our parents were responsible for the formation of our bodies, in a purely physical and biological process - only God is responsible for infusing us with a divine soul (See Nida 31a.)

 

However, our Sages had a different viewpoint regarding the relationship between the human and Divine participation in the creation: "There are three partners in [the formation of] man: the Holy One blessed be He, and his father, and his mother" (Kiddushin 30b.)

 

The idea of "partnership" suggests that the parents contribute more to the child than merely his or her biology.  The human spirit, the complete human being, is also formed with the participation of the parents.  Chasidic thought describes the parents' conduct as creating a spiritual "garment" for the soul.

 

This human partnership with God in the most sublime task of all, the breathing of a soul into flesh and blood, is an awesome responsibility for the parents, and at the same time should elicit awe and reverence towards father and mother in the child.

 

THE ONGOING INFLUENCE

 

We might suppose that the parents participate in the child's spiritual creation only at the moment of original formation.  However, Rav Nachman of Breslav explains that in fact the father and mother have an ongoing influence.  In Chasidic terms, the parents continuously influence the "garment of the child's soul" (Likutei Halakhot, Laws of Honoring Parents.)  When we honor our parents, we elevate their dignity, and this in turn influences our own spiritual potential.

 

This idea is actually found in the Talmud, in the passage from Kiddushin we cited above.  First we read: "When a person honors his father and his mother, the Holy One blessed be He says, I consider it as if I dwelt among them, and they honored Me."  The partnership between the parents and God, God's "dwelling among" the family, is ongoing, and is augmented whenever the child honors his parents.  Later on we read the converse: "When a person torments his parents, God says, It is a good thing that I did NOT dwell among them, otherwise they would torment Me."

 

So the immense responsibility of parents for the spiritual growth of their offspring, and the corresponding awe that this should elicit in the child, are not singular events but rather ongoing phenomena.

 

HONOR OF PARENTS AND THE SHABBAT

 

The verse that commands us to revere our parents, also admonishes us to keep the Shabbat.  Our Sages learned from this conjunction that honoring parents may never be at the expense of other Torah obligations.  After all, the parent is also obligated to carry out the mitzvot (Rashi.)

 

The fact that specifically the mitzva of Shabbat is chosen to illustrate this message seems to point to some inner connection between honoring parents and Shabbat.  This idea is strengthened by the fact that also in the Ten Commandments these two mitzvot are juxtaposed: Shabbat is the fourth commandment, honoring one's parents the fifth (Rashbam on Vayikra 10:3.)  One such connection between Shabbat and honoring one's parents is that these two mitzvot, more than any others, illustrate man's role as a partner in creation. 

 

The Torah tells us that God breathed a living soul into man (Bereishit 2:7.)  Our Sages tell us that the infusion of a soul into a human being is continually performed in partnership with the father and mother, as we just learned.

 

The Torah tells us that God rested on the first Shabbat.  The fact that we are required, or even able, to imitate His rest on an ongoing basis by our own weekly rest is only due to a likeness between our creative activity and God's creation of the world. The world was created incomplete so that human beings would have the ability to participate in the act of creation (Tanchuma on Bereishit 2:3.)

 

So regarding Shabbat also, the respect and honor a Jew commands is likened to that of the Creator.  After all, our labor and rest are likened to His.  By refraining from forbidden labors, we are displaying awe at our own creative powers.

 

The verse reminds us that despite the seeming comparable natures of the two commandments, ultimately keeping Shabbat, or any other mitzva, must take preference over honoring parents, because the parents also are obligated in the mitzvot.  God does allow us to participate in the process of human and material creation, and figuratively speaking likens our own honor to His, but ultimately we must recognize our utter subservience to God.  It is unthinkable to truly equate or to even compare the honor and reverence due our fellow man, to that owing to God.

 

HONORING AN OLDER BROTHER

 

Our Sages inferred that reverence is also due to the older brother.  The commentators explain that this is an extension of the reverence due the father.  The older brother is a pseudo "second-in-command" to the father, and it is the father's desire that the other children should act with respect towards him (Acharonim on SA YD 240:22.)

 

(Of course, honoring parents and older siblings is also included in our obligation to respect all elders.)

 

CHAPTER 144 - HONORING A TORAH TEACHER OR SCHOLAR

 

The halakha is extremely stringent regarding the honor of Torah scholars.  The Torah tells us, "Revere Hashem your God; serve Him and cleave to Him, and swear in His name" (Devarim 10:20.)  In Hebrew, this verse contains an auxiliary word, as if it said, "Revere HIM, Hashem your God," from which our Sages inferred that in addition to God there is someone else who needs to be revered (Pesachim 22b.)

 

In another place, the Torah tells us, "And you who cleave to God your God, you are all living today (Devarim 4:4.)  Our Sages ask: "Is it possible to cleave to God - is He not like a consuming fire? Rather, this refers to someone who cleaves to and associates with Torah scholars" (Ketubot 111b.)

 

We learned that since they are described in similar terms, the honor and reverence of parents are compared to those of God.  But the commandment to honor Torah scholars is actually included in the respect of God, and indeed inferred from the same verses! The reason is simple: the only manner we have to come close to God is through Torah scholars.

 

The written Torah, which is God's most direct and explicit communication with mankind, is primarily a book of practical commandments.  We understand and fulfill God's will through understanding and fulfillment of the mitzvot.

 

But the written Torah can only be understood and fulfilled through the oral tradition, the unbroken chain of transmission from Moshe through the Torah leaders of our own generation. 

 

Our Sages explain that a person is obligated in the honor of his Rabbi even more than that of his father, for his father gives him life in this world, whereas his Rabbi brings him to the life of the next world.  We explained in the last chapter that the father and mother are partially responsible for shaping the soul of the child.  But a human soul, no matter how great, is only a spiritual potential.  This potential needs to be realized by acting in a Godly fashion.  This realization can only take place through fulfillment of the Torah, with the guidance of a qualified Torah scholar.

 

Of course, we must still remember to distinguish between the honor due God and that due to His servants, the Torah scholars.  In fact, one of the reasons given for the rule not to pray directly behind one's Rabbi is in order that it not seem we are praying to him (See Beur haGra, OC 98:1, s.v. "ve-asur.")

 

A TORAH SCHOLAR AND A PERSONAL MASTER

 

The halakha demands a greater level of honor to one's personal Torah teacher than that due any other Torah scholar.  For instance, actual personal service, like that a servant or valet provides to his master, is primarily only due to one's personal Rabbi or teacher.  This is perfectly understandable.  Since the honor due a Torah scholar is owing to his ability to connect us to the Mosaic tradition and to bring us close to God; we should reserve the greatest level of honor to the individual who personally affects this connection for us.