Skip to main content
Meaning in Mitzvot -
Lesson 99

Staying At Home, And Grieving Excessively

21.09.2014
Text file

 

The mourner should not leave his home at all during the first week of his mourning.  Ideally, a man should not even leave to hear the Torah reading in the synagogue; a minyan (quorum of ten men for prayer) with a Torah scroll should rather be organized in his home.

 

The Terumat Ha-Deshen explains that the reason for this is that when the mourner is closed up in his house, then his mind is concentrated on his mourning.  Even if others come to visit him, they come to console him.  But if he goes about in the street and meets other people, or goes for a stroll, this will take his mind off his mourning (Terumat Ha-Deshen 290.)

 

This again emphasizes that the object of mourning is not to relieve the mourner, which we would accomplish by distracting him from his bereavement, but on the contrary to help him confront his loss and reconcile himself to it.

 

 

CHAPTER 215 – NOT TO GRIEVE EXCESSIVELY

 

Grieving is an important and positive part of mourning.  As we explained in chapter 198, the eulogy is supposed to stir up weeping among the listeners.  It is forbidden to minimize the great loss suffered by the death of our fellow man.

 

At the same time, it is forbidden to grieve excessively.  Such excess is considered not just unseemly, but indeed ominous. 

 

"Anyone who grieves excessively over the dead, is destined to weep over another... What is appropriate? Three days for weeping, seven days for eulogy, thirty days for unkempt clothes and hair.  Anything beyond this, the Holy One blessed be He says, Don't think that you are more compassionate than Me" (Mo'ed Katan 27a.)

 

This retribution seems quite excessive, and may be hard to understand.  The Iyun Yaakov likens this to the sin of the spies.  When the spies brought back a negative report of the chances of conquering the Land of Israel, all the people cried.  Instead of rejoicing over their opportunity to inherit the land, they were terrified and upset.  They were punished by forty years of wandering during which the entire generation would die (Bemidbar chapters 13 and 14.)  Indeed, our Sages tell us that in fact this involved "crying for generations," because even when we did inherit the land the conquest was not permanent; the subsequent exiles were a consequence also of the sin of the spies (Ta'anit 29a.)

 

The sin of the spies was not a simple case of fearing war; the problem was that they displayed a total lack of faith in God.  There was an explicit Divine promise that the Jews who left Egypt would inherit the land.  Likewise, a person may grieve so excessively that he shows a lack of faith in God, denying His promise that ultimately all is for the good – that the departed will receive their just reward, and that ultimately the dead will come to back to life.

 

COLLECTIVE RESPONSIBILITY

 

"Rebbe Yochanan said, all seven days the sword is drawn; until thirtieth it hangs loose; after twelve months it returns to the sheath.  This is like a rock dome; if one stone comes loose, all are loosened" (Yerushalmi Mo'ed Katan 3:7; see also Shabbat 106a.)

 

The death of one family member may be a reminder that the entire family is subject to judgment – just as illness may be a reminder that the sick person is liable to judgment (Chapter 192.)  While it may seem unfair that one family member was singled out to die, we must remember that there is a limit to purely individual accountability in this world.  If a person commits murder, then the victim dies because of the sin of the criminal; it is hardly surprising that within a family, where the mutual ties and responsibility are so great, that one may be judged first for the actions of the entire family group.

This website is constantly being improved. We would appreciate hearing from you. Questions and comments on the classes are welcome, as is help in tagging, categorizing, and creating brief summaries of the classes. Thank you for being part of the Torat Har Etzion community!