Tearing the Clothes in Mourning

In the introduction to the laws of mourning, we explained that the death of a loved one undermines the mourner's identity.  The various mourning customs are directed towards expressing this breakdown while simultaneously helping the living rebuild his or her self in the new reality created by the relative's departure.  This theme is particularly evident in the laws of "keri'a" - tearing the clothes.

This custom has its source in the Torah.  After the tragic death of Nadav and Avihu, Moshe tells their father Aharon, and their brothers El'azar and Itamar,

"Do not grow your hair and don't tear your garments, and you will not die" (Vayikra 10:6.)

Since Moshe was obligated to instruct the family in this way, the Talmud infers that ordinarily mourners ARE obligated to grow their hair and tear their clothes (Moed Katan 14b-15.)  Furthermore, since Moshe had to reassure them that they wouldn't die, the Gemara infers that an ordinary mourner is deserving of death if he chooses not to tear his clothes over the death of his relative (Moed Katan 24a.)

Tearing the clothes is an instinctive expression of grief.  Our clothes are valuable possessions, which protect and adorn us; tearing them is a way of saying that the loss of a loved one deprives life of some of its meaning, so that our property, our well being, and our appearance suddenly seem unimportant.

Perhaps we can discern another message in this custom - a countervailing message of renewal, and growth through grief.

Clothes protect us, but they also constrain us; and this is true also of our loved ones.  There is nothing negative about this, and unlike modern liberal culture, Judaism has a profound appreciation of the value of limitations and constraints.  But when our loved ones depart, we are deprived of the emotional protection they provided, and are left without the familiar and comforting constraints their presence implied.

Tearing the clothes expresses the idea of exposure, but also the idea of liberation.  We could almost liken this to the breaking open of a cocoon.  The cocoon protects the caterpillar and gives it a unique opportunity to undergo its amazing metamorphosis.  The newly formed butterfly tears the cocoon, giving it a new vulnerability but also a new independence and responsibility.

This metaphor is particularly applicable to the death of parents.  Our fathers and mothers wrap us in a protective cocoon of love and concern, which enables us to grow and develop.  When a parent passes away, this cocoon is no longer able to shelter and nurture the child.  The son or daughter is challenged to deal with new found vulnerability, but also to develop new independence.

The special laws of tearing one's clothes for parents symbolize these aspects of the loss of a parent.  The tear on parents must expose the heart (SA YD 340:9), symbolizing deep vulnerability, and the tear must extend to the edge of the garment, indicating completely overcoming constraint (SA YD 340:12.)  Clothes torn in mourning on parents may never be completely repaired (SA YD 340:14-15), so the child is obligated to acquire new clothes, corresponding to renewal and independence.

Another hint at the message of renewal in keri'a is the obligation to stand when tearing.  Since our loved ones are a source of support for us, when they depart we have a feeling of incapacity, symbolized by sitting on the floor (SA YD 387:1), and dependence on others, symbolized by accepting food from others (SA YD 378:1).  But standing up - a critical aspect of the mitzva of keri'a (SA YD 340:1) - indicates strength and independence.

Willful neglect of keri'a in mourning denies both these aspects.  It disavows the deep emotional vulnerability of the mourner, seemingly showing a dearth of feeling.  And it defies the challenge of new emotional growth, as though the mourner is still imprisoned by the influence of the departed relative.  Perhaps this emotional morbidity and lack of renewal are part of the symbolic "capital punishment" hinted at in the Torah for one who does not tear his clothes in mourning.