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Meaning in Mitzvot -
Lesson 69

The Wedding Ceremony

21.09.2014
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The Jewish wedding ceremony has two distinct stages, corresponding to two distinct psychological aspects of the marriage bond.  The two stages are called "kiddushin" and "nisuin", literally "sanctification" and "carrying" respectively.  In English we would translate these two terms as "betrothal" and "marriage".

 

The kiddushin is a formal act of sanctification and dedication between groom and bride.  This act represents the aspect of commitment in marriage.  The nisuin represents the actual physical and psychological closeness of husband and wife. 

 

Correspondingly, the kiddushin is a rigidly defined act that is governed by the laws of "kinyan" - monetary and emotional acquisition.  In the ordinary wedding ceremony the kiddushin takes place when the groom places the ring on the finger of the bride.  However, legally, as befits a formal act, the kiddushin can take place through an emissary, while the bride and groom are not even together. 

 

What this act expresses is that the groom and bride are unequivocally committed to building their future life together.  Like any other act of acquisition, what is required is da'at, which in this context means mutual and irrevocable commitment.

 

But being committed to creating a new Jewish household is not the same as the actual implementation.  Groom and bride can become husband and wife only through actual togetherness.  This is the stage of nisuin, which in the wedding ceremony corresponds to the chuppa.

 

As befits an act that comes to create a human relationship - and not merely a formal one - there are varying views of the essence of the chuppa. The wedding ceremony generally encompasses several of these ideas, showing our concern for the proper creation of affection between husband and wife from every possible point of view.

 

The word chuppa literally means "covering."  One interpretation of the term is that it refers to the couple being secluded in a covered place; another is that it refers to the groom covering and protecting his wife.  (An archaic English word for the wife's status is "coverture.")

 

The first ritual meant to express this closeness is the "bedekken", the very beginning of the wedding ceremony when the groom approaches the bride, gazes at her face, and then covers her face with the veil.  This ritual corresponds to the aspect of chuppa whereby the groom covers and protects the bride.  Scripture tells us that when Ruth hinted to Boaz that she was willing to be his wife, she said to him, "Spread your wings over your servant" (Ruth 3:9.)

 

The second ritual, referred to as chuppa, is what we are today accustomed to call the chuppa - the gathering of groom and bride together under the wedding canopy.  This ceremony consists of both aspects.  The canopy is a kind of a garment, and indeed sometimes the groom's tallit is used, so it expresses the idea of the groom extending his protection over his new bride.  But the canopy, with its four posts, also creates a kind of a room, where the newlyweds are not quite secluded but are conspicuously together, and apart from the crowd.

 

The final ritual is the "yichud room," the true seclusion of the newlyweds in a private room following the public wedding ceremony.  This stage of the ceremony particularly expresses the idea of seclusion of husband and wife in their own space. The separation of the couple from others is an essential condition for them to be able to build bonds of affection and to create a new life together, independent of their families and friends - though of course they continue to receive guidance and support.

 

 

CHAPTER 149 - GRACE SAID AT THE WEDDING PARTY

 

THE SEVEN BLESSINGS

 

Under the wedding canopy, as well as at any festive meal held with the couple during the seven festive days that follow the ceremony, the special "sheva berakhot" ("seven blessings")  are recited.  Indeed, this week of special togetherness between the newlyweds is often called the week of "sheva berakhot" after these blessings.  These blessings are said over a cup of wine, and one of the blessings is merely the blessing on wine; we discussed the significance of such a "cup of blessing" in chapter 45.

 

The other six blessings are blessings of praise said in honor of the newlyweds, and they have several unique characteristics.

 

THE REQUIREMENT TO HEAR THE BLESSINGS

 

In general, blessings said to acknowledge Hashem's commandments and His kindness are an appendix to the event they mark.  We do not refrain from waving the lulav or from admiring the sea if for some reason we can not make the appropriate berakha.  Yet in the case of the wedding, the ceremony is not complete without the sheva berakhot said in the presence of ten males (Kala 1:1.)

 

The most important element in this rule is that of publicity or notoriety.  Marriage is not merely a private relationship between bride and groom, nor should it be considered a furtive act.  Whenever humanly possible, the ceremony must be performed before a full quorum of ten Jewish men (EHE 62:4.)

 

Another element we can perceive in this unique halakha is the element of awareness.  We mentioned that the aspect of consent, of da'at, is essential in the wedding ceremony.  But before the couple can live together as husband and wife, they need to know exactly what they have consented to.  When a person acquires a life-saving medicine, the packaging warns him that it is forbidden to take it without reading the information leaflet.  When a couple get married, Jewish law warns them that it is forbidden for them to consummate their relationship without hearing these special blessings that give them an inkling of the immensity of the unique project they are undertaking - the founding of a new Jewish family.

 

"A NEW FACE."

 

Another unique characteristic of the sheva berakhot is the requirement for a "new face."  Though this blessing may be said at any bread meal during the first week of marriage, assuming there is a minyan of ten men, there is an additional condition: each time there must be someone present who was not at any other sheva berakhot!

 

This custom also expresses the public nature of the wedding.  The blessings are only said if one more person is rejoicing with the new couple.  The effect of this requirement, together with the requirement for a minyan, is to encourage the couple to find new people to rejoice with throughout the first week of their marriage.  (This condition is only a measure of encouragement.  There is no actual requirement of law or custom to gather a minyan and say sheva berakhot after the wedding ceremony itself.)

 

This is a marked contrast with the widespread secular custom of the honeymoon, where the couple rush off after the wedding to a secluded place where no one knows them.  While our tradition also acknowledges the importance of giving the couple the seclusion necessary to build their relationship, as we explained last chapter, we also recognize that this relationship is ideally built in the context of the community.

 

THE PRIVATE HOME AND THE NATIONAL HOME

 

The six special blessings said on the joy of the wedding break down into two groups of three.  The first three relate to the creation of man.  The third berakha emphasizes the connection between the creation of man in Hashem's image and the division of all man into male and female.  This emphasizes that the Divine image is complete only in the joining of man and woman, and not in either alone, as we discussed in chapter 147.

 

The second three blessings relate to Yerushalaim and the land of Israel.  The final berakha of these three includes a prayer to Hashem that "soon will be heard in the cities of Yehuda and the public places of Yerushalaim the voices of happiness and joy, the voices of the bride and groom."  These blessings recall the centrality of the Land of Israel in the life of the Jewish people, and remind us that our joy can only be complete when we are living securely in our own land and are able to rejoice in the holy city of Yerushalaim.

 

This idea is also the basis for the most well-known Jewish wedding custom: breaking a glass under the chuppa.  The glass is broken to inject a note of sadness into the festivities, and remind us of the Holy Temple still in ruins.  Our Sages say that rejoicing with the bride and groom is like building the ruins of Yerushalaim (Berakhot 6b.)

 

Just as an individual man and woman can only properly realize their potential for serving God when they join together in a private home, so the Jewish people can only realize their potential as Hashem's people in our national home, which is the Land of Israel and Yerushalaim.

 

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