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Meaning in Mitzvot -
Lesson 98

Joining In Celebration And Getting Married

21.09.2014
Text file

For thirty days the mourner is forbidden from taking part in any joyous celebration such as a wedding; if the mourning is for a parent, then the prohibition is for a period of twelve months.

 

WAVES OF JOY AND SORROW

 

The primary celebration a mourner is forbidden to attend is that of a wedding.  A wedding is not only inappropriate to mourning, it is in fact a mirror image.  During a wedding, the person renews and reconstructs the self by expansion, by incorporating a new person into the self and the family; during mourning, the renewal and reconstruction takes place after the contraction of the self and the family through the loss of a loved one.

 

The parallel relationship between mourning and the rejoicing of the wedding is hinted at in the Yerushalmi, which explains that Moshe instituted both the seven day period of rejoicing for bride and groom, and the seven day period of mourning for the bereaved (Yerushalmi Ketubot 1:1; see chapter 204.)

 

One central theme of the laws of mourning is that death is a momentous event, one we do not allow to pass unnoticed.  It is obligatory to make a funeral, and it is a mitzva to attend; the mourners sit shiv'a and all of their friends and relatives come to console them, and so on.  The idea is to extend the wave of bereavement as far as possible.  This is a way of giving proper respect for the departed soul, and also spreads the burden of the mourning as widely as possible.

 

The same applies to a wedding.  The creation of a new family is of inestimable importance.  It is a mitzva to take part in the bridal procession, and to gladden the bride and groom; after the wedding, all the friends and relatives come to the sheva berakhot ("seven blessings" - the week of celebration after the wedding) to extend the rejoicing.

 

The parallel extends even to the idea of "panim chadashot" – new faces.  Just as the sheva berakhot are said only if there is a new celebrant present, so in previous generations the special blessing of mourning was said only if a new person came to console (Tur Yoreh De'ah 376 - today this blessing is not said at all.) Again, the emphasis on new faces shows the importance of extending the participation in the event as much as possible.

 

MARRIAGE OF THE MOURNER

 

While a person may not attend a wedding for twelve months after the death of a parent, it is permissible for the mourner himself to marry.  The reason is that getting married is a mitzva and the prohibition on rejoicing was not intended to keep people from fulfilling the commandments (Beit Yosef YD 392.)  But this is only part of the reason.

 

The twelve-month period of mourning for a parent is different from the seven and thirty-day periods common to all relatives.  The restrictions of this period are technically not mourning, but rather are a way of honoring the parents by showing that their passing has a lasting impact.  For this reason, if before his death a parent exempts the child from this observance, the parent's wishes should be respected – even though the mourner may not obey an order to neglect the seven or thirty-day periods (Yoreh De'ah 344:9 in the Rema and Be'er Heitev 7.)

 

So we may view the mitzva exemption from the restrictions of twelve months as an extension of the mitzva exemption from the commandment of honoring parents.  As we learned in chapter 143, the true honor of the parents is when the child performs mitzvot, not when he neglects them.

 

CHAPTER 213 – MARRIAGE AFTER BEREAVEMENT

 

During the first thirty days of mourning, the mourner is forbidden from getting married.  The explanation of this rule is easily discerned from the previous chapter, where we explained that marriage and mourning are mirror images of each other.  Both are processes of redefining the self, one in response to expansion of the family and one in response to contraction.  Both processes should be unimpeded.  If a person were to get married during the period of mourning, the overlap would interfere with both.

 

MOURNING FOR A SPOUSE

 

If in mourning for his wife, one is only permitted to remarry after the three Pilgrimage Festivals have passed.  The Tosafot bring two seemingly contradictory explanations for this law.  Let us seek a hidden connection between them.

 

Tosafot suggest that if a person remarries right away, he will forget his first wife.  The time of mourning is a period of reflection and recollection, which will seal her in his memory.  An immediate remarriage will occupy him emotionally with his new wife, leaving no time for the memory of the old one.  Three holidays of loneliness without his spouse will remind him how important she was to him.

 

Tosafot also suggest that if the widower remarries right away, his new marriage will be disrupted by the memory of his old wife.  Only after three holidays have gone by will her memory have faded, so that his attention will be free for his new mate (Tosafot Mo'ed Katan 23a, d.h. "ad.")

 

Actually, both explanations are true.  A person is ready for new relationships after he has reconciled himself to the end of previous ones.  If a person gets married too soon, then on the one hand he will not adequately reflect over his loss; the memory of his old wife will not be crystallized in his mind.  But that doesn't mean he won't think about her at all - precisely because he hasn't put her memory behind him, thoughts of her will crop up at awkward times.

 

If on the other hand he reminds himself how important his former spouse was to him, the widower will be reconciled to his loss, and then he will be completely ready for the next step – to move forward in life with a new partner.

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