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Judaism and Love (2)

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The Joy of Bride and Groom

            Beyond the communal needs we have been discussing, we must look at the couple themselves.  Let me point out something interesting: in the seven blessings recited at the marriage ceremony, we state that God makes the bride and groom happy.  We know how we try to give joy to the bride and groom.  We dance, entertain, give them gifts.  But how does God make them happy?

 

            We have already discussed the importance of the family and how its existence is necessary for the survival of society.  The family is a necessary component for the psychological well-being of every child and adult.  The existence of the family unit allows the child to develop normally.  Growing up in a hospital, an orphanage, or an institution is clearly a psychological catastrophe and possibly a health hazard as well.  The family and the daily struggle connected with it are necessary for growth and success.  Were there a commandment to "be fruitful and multiply in order to have a family," we would fulfill it as we fulfill other religious obligations such as fasting or cleaning for Pesach.  If this were the case we would still make a wedding celebration, just as we celebrate the completion of learning a tractate of Talmud or of writing a new Torah scroll.  However, God gives a unique gift to the couple who are fulfilling his commandment: sexual pleasure.  We must realize that this gift is very fragile indeed, and we must protect it from harm.  Judaism sees sexuality as a gift and tries to help us maintain its power and spark.

 

            The Torah views sex as a significant plane of reality for the individual as well as the couple.  In this realm, the individual reaches into a deep part of himself and progresses toward self-actualization, both biologically and psychologically.  The Divine plan, which finds expression in nature as well, gives man the means to achieve his goals.  In the process of man's development, sexual energy plays a significant role.  This emphasis upon the significance of the sexual avenue can help us understand the prohibition against castration and sterilization of animals, and, of course, of human beings.  We may slaughter a bull, but we may not castrate it!

 

            Sexual energy is expressed when a couple comes together to form a unit.  The basis for this commandment lies in the belief that man and woman are only half of their true selves when each is alone.  Love is the essential component here, love which transcends but does not negate sexual pleasure.  R. Eliyahu Dessler writes about the basis of marriage in his famous  work, Mikhtav Me-Eliyahu [part one, pg. 38].  He maintains that love must be forged at a level beyond mere lust.  Of course, physical and biological needs play a large part in this area; however, R. Dessler teaches that we must change our perception of these needs.  Our psychological and biological makeup is "a deep idea of the Creator of the world to maintain the existence of the world - just as He planted hunger within us to ensure the existence of the body."  This idea explains the physical desire but it does not explain the need for love.  On the other hand, this love does not fall into the general category of love between people.  The experience of love between a man and a woman cannot be placed alongside the general fraternity and friendship between people "who will both admit how they help each other to fulfill the law of their natures."  Obviously, these two types of love are not alike, since "the people who are ungrateful are so numerous and we have not noticed that they lack sexual love."  R. Dessler explains the essence of love through the idea of mutual completion, the return to the original unity: "therefore they give completion to one another, as we shall see, for the giver loves."  The problems involved in the decline of this love result from the fact that "those who joined together at first to be givers have now become takers."

 

            Here we find one of the fundamental differences between Jewish law and other legal systems.  Jewish law is not solely concerned with the protection of society.  Its first concern is to protect the relationship between the couple themselves.  It seeks to protect the fragile, Divine gift of sexual love.  At the same time, it endeavors to create a relationship of loyalty and trust between man and woman; it creates a covenant.

 

            The maintenance of the relationship between the couple is indeed a logical commandment.  Marriage is first and foremost a covenant.  In the description of the sota [errant woman] the Torah describes the adulterous woman as treacherous, "should a man's wife err and treat him treacherously" [Numbers, 5:11].  The Maharik notes that the Torah describes the woman's act as treachery towards her husband, not towards God [Responsa of the Maharik, section 167].  The Vilna Gaon makes a similar point: "It is not written that she acted treacherously towards God, that she intended to act treacherously toward God, but toward her husband" [Commentary on the Shulchan Arukh Orach Chaim].  This idea was developed in the responsa literature surrounding the question of unintentional adultery.  In addition to the prohibition against adultery, our Sages believed that an additional principle connects the couple, which can be described as a covenant.  Thus, adulterous behavior is a breach of this sacred covenant.

 

            Let us now return to our general discussion of human dilemmas.  R. Sa'adia Gaon [acronym: Rasag] would discuss every area of human dilemmas in light of the wide spectrum of possibilities it presents.  In the tenth essay of his master work, Emunot Ve-de'ot, the Rasag presents us with various ethical alternatives in human behavior.  The first is "perishut" (separation), according to which one ought to "repulse this world and not build a house nor plant, not take a wife and not have children, and not live among people who choose these actions ... rather one ought to seclude oneself in the mountains until he dies in anxiety and bereavement."  Although much of what they say is true, the proponents of perishut "were mistaken in leaving the community and people," for by refraining from marriage, they ensure the ultimate demise of the human race, the very beings for whom the entire universe was created.  The other extreme which Rasag discusses is homosexual love.  Rasag was well aware of the Greek origins of homosexuality, and its prevalence among the Greek philosophers.  Rasag's description is based on the myth brought in the "Symposium," Plato's famous dialogue.  In contrast to this type of love, Rasag presents the ideal of complete love: "And this thing is not good except with a man's wife, that he love her and she love him, [thus contributing to] the normal functioning and development of the world...."  Rasag's picture of the human ideal is that of an individual who is not enslaved to a particular ideal or a single value; rather he integrates all of the various ideals into his life. Rasag concludes, "and when he shall include all these actions which we have mentioned, he shall be praised in both worlds."

 

The Yoke of The Law

 

            The Jewish strictures concerning sexual relations are not easy to obey.  Nonetheless, their ability to connect man and wife with unique and powerful ties give the "laws of family purity" paramount importance.  The prohibition against any sexual relationship outside the family framework is not only a social norm.  It is also excellent advice.  The laws of family purity create a rhythm of renewal in the couples sexual relationship.  This is perhaps the only glue protecting the family framework without destroying it from within.  However, it is also good "advice" from a simple egoistic point of view - advice as to how to protect the Divine gift of sexual love.  This is one of the great tests of time which religious marriages have withstood.

 

            We must distinguish between sexuality, even eroticism, and pornography.  Pornography means viewing sex as a market commodity.  These ideas were well expressed many years ago by Professor Bonventura, a religious psychologist who was killed before the establishment of the State of Israel in a convoy going up to the university campus on Mt. Scopus.  Jewish law tries to build a different family life than the one created by the "free market."  In the free market, a brutal economy rules.  The strongest wins and the strongest makes changes in each period.  The Torah removed sex from the market economy.  It created a system which does its best to avoid the rule of the jungle.  Pornography is the use of human beings for commercial purposes, a sale of human merchandise.  Jewish law tries to limit another element which holds sway in Western society: the visual element.  Beauty and manliness are a trap.  Judgment on the basis of appearances, according to what catches the eye at first glance, is often a great injustice.  In contrast to the attempt to draw attention through sexual attraction, the Talmud stresses the woman's obligation to make herself beautiful for her husband, and the responsibility of the man to gratify his wife.  These are romantic gestures, but they have erotic meaning as well.  Judaism does not negate, and often  emphasizes the importance of these gestures.

 

            The Talmud states that "age twenty is [the age of] pursuit."  As a person matures, he either pursues or is himself pursued.  He pursues his goals; he tries to fulfill his ambitions, his desires, and gain respect.  He runs from his fears.  When two people form a young couple, they enter into a new stage.  Family life becomes a constant struggle, sometimes a war, a struggle in which there will always be defeats, failures and problems.  As a child matures he finds himself in conflict with his parents, with authority.  This is the great danger of adolescence.  The conflict with one's parents can potentially become a conflict with Judaism.  One's father is a Jew, and the rebellion against one's father could become a rebellion against Judaism.  However, when a man becomes a father and a woman gives birth to a child, they discover the other perspective: things look different from the vantage point of a parent.  Responsibility looms large and a person discovers the need to fill his life with meaning.  Then, he understands that in order to achieve independence he challenged authority, his father, his religion; but in order to build a home and a society, in order to be a father himself, he has only one choice.  He must learn to rely on his Heavenly Father.  If the  Torah cannot educate, other educators labor in vain.

 

            This reality helps us understand the psychological issues which people must face in order to mature and develop, as well as the need for a legal system.  As I heard once from the French-Jewish philosopher Emmanuel Levinas, if there were only two people in the world, love would suffice.  Since in the world there are always at least three, law is necessary.  Personally, I doubt if any relationship can last long without mutual obligations.  Without law, without rules, no process of education is possible.

 

(This lecture was translated by Gila Weinberg.)

 

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